There is a new kind of weapon that the enemy is using on women. Actually, it might be an old weapon but it’s new to me, and maybe once I start talking about it you’ll find that you relate. We’re susceptible to it whenever we take a blow; by blow, I mean whenever we’re running late for something and we get that jaw clenching, stressful feeling in our bodies. Whenever someone says something that bothers us or hurts us. Those moments when we’re rethinking something we did or said and are regretting it. The times when we’ve lost our temper on the kids or our spouse and we know that they know we’re not okay…which makes everything ten times worse. One negative thought multiplies into another and before we know it, we have a parasite.

A parasite is an organism that lives off of an organism of another species (its host) and benefits by deriving nutrients at its host’s expense. Without a host, a parasite cannot live or grow so it rarely kills the host; rather, it slowly takes over its functionality one area at a time. Parasites are invisible from the outside, difficult to detect; And the longer they’re present the larger they get and the more damage they cause.

I believe satan is using our parasitic thoughts to destroy us. All it takes is one to initiate the process. If we don’t immediately bring that thought into the light, then it sticks around. It grows. And it multiplies. Every time we allow another negative thought to fester, the parasite gets larger. As Christian women, we sometimes know the truth and can tell when we are being hard pressed with lies. We know they are lies, so we tell ourselves that we don’t need help – that our problem isn’t worthy of burdening someone else and that we should be able to defeat it on our own. Afterall, we possess the full armor of God and we have the mind of Christ…right? This cycle keeps us in perfect isolation from other women who can help. It’s a downward spiral, and Christian women are just as susceptible if not more susceptible to it because of the good they do in the world.

I felt like I had an actual parasite in my gastrointestinal tract at a certain point not that long ago. I couldn’t seem to eat anything without getting sick and wasn’t absorbing any nutrients. My immune system was weakened, hair was falling out and my face was visibly sunken in. I saw every kind of doctor, tried every sort of diet and did my best to avoid any type of toxin. But nothing helped. Whatever was eating away at me was there to stay and was only getting worse. Earlier that year, I’d had a major falling out with a friend. I had been angry about it, talked to anyone who would listen to me about it, cried about it and buried the situation. It was a year before anything changed, but slowly, I mentally and spiritually processed what had gone on and my symptoms began to resolve.

A couple weeks ago, I found myself in an all too familiar state of anxiety. This usually happens when I’ve taken on too much. I’m trying to do more than I’m supposed to which tires me out; but that’s not what takes me down. What ultimately winds up getting me is the fact that my overcommitments have rendered my mind defenseless. Everyone around me suffers as a result. The kids get an agitated mom, my husband gets a not-so-fun to deal with wife and my friends get the most insecure version of who I am. So there I found myself one day, struggling with an insecurity over a friendship. One friend had given me a heads up that another friend had gotten upset about something I’d done (or not done in this scenario). And the group, my group, had discussed it without me being there. At first, I brushed it off. They loved me and would never do anything to hurt me……….right? As hard as I tried to keep the thoughts out of my mind, they gnawed at me till I finally gave in. Once the gates were open, thoughts flooded in faster than I could keep up. Some of them seemed valid but most were outright lies. They were rooted in things I’d been through as a teenager. Things I had healed from and knew better about, but were suddenly back and crippling me. As they swirled around in my brain, I began to feel worse and worse. I was self isolating and beginning to feel an ache in my stomach.

Soon after, that same group was getting together to pray, of all things. And I wasn’t going. I’d committed to doing less in 2022 so I’d be sitting this one out. But something didn’t feel right when I sent that text to let them know. So I showed up. Maybe it was my outrageous FOMO but it was also definitely God. Over the top of the lies that were now screaming in my head 24/7, I had heard a small whisper, telling me to show up. All I had to do was show up. While with the group, I didn’t say much and had declared to myself that I would head home without causing a disturbance. We were getting up to leave when I felt a hand wrap around my arm and heard, “What do you need right now?” I lost it. I fell to my knees and through snorts and sobs, I admitted that I’d gotten mad about what happened. What had started out as a small misunderstanding had become a full blown parasite. I told them about the things from my past that would make me more susceptible to something like that hurting me. I told them how my imagination had gotten the best of me and exaggerated what actually happened. As a result, the mood I’d had around my family had led to me feeling like a terrible mom. My mind, body, family, work and ministry were under attack. I couldn’t concentrate. And I didn’t feel like my prayers were working. I described the true turmoil that had been destroying the peace that was supposed to be in my mind and heart ever since. I cried. I apologized for believing things that I knew weren’t true about our friendship. They listened. They nodded. And then, we prayed. Not the quiet, formal sort of prayers that you’d hear at church. This was prayer with authority behind it– a cry for help. And a demand for satan to leave. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room as these women took turns pouring out to God on my behalf. It was one of the most humbling and powerful moments that I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’d walked into that place with a house on my shoulders, and these women had lifted it off.

“ ‘I’m dying here.’ If we could just utter the words, somebody could speak the truth of grace over us. They could remind us of God and His love for us and pray for us, and, for goodness’ sake fight for us” (Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen, 41).

I firmly believe with all my heart that Jesus is always with us, even in our worst moments. When we cry out to him, He hears us every time. But the problem with parasites is that they are loud and destructive; So sometimes we need a little help hearing God. We need to be reminded of who we are and of how God sees us. And here is what I’ve learned: God does NOT want us waiting years, months, days or even hours to do this. He wants to love us and free us and protect us right NOW!! There is something to be said about letting others in on what’s happening inside of us. Admitting our weaknesses and inability to control even our own thoughts. And there’s something to be said about a friend praying over a friend, out loud. Maybe this is why Jesus tells us that where two or more are gathered in His name, there He is with them. Because there’s power in numbers – a cord of three strands is not easily broken. Maybe this is why He says that darkness cannot overcome something once it’s brought into the light. Because there’s power in saying the truth out loud. Maybe it’s why He tells us that in order to become more like him, we have to RENEW OUR MINDS. Because He knows that what we think about is what we become!

One of the most effective practices we could ever adopt as women is to not surrender to that first negative thought. The ability for us to defend our minds depends almost entirely on our conscious decision to stay in touch with God, to thank Him and to pray without ceasing. And if you do happen to find yourself with a parasite, all you need to do is show up, shine God’s light on it and watch it disappear.

Codependent:   Someone whose thinking and behavior is organized around another person…placing a lower priority on their own needs while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. 

Codependent Feels

It feels a little bit like you’re standing on ice in the middle of a lake. You have a wheelbarrow in your possession, and every relationship in your life is another brick being thrown into it. Someone with no family nearby, living by themselves is going to mean a pile of bricks. Someone with emotional unbalance might mean two piles. Whatever the case, it’s your job to push things along and keep them moving. If you stop, the ice will crack under your feet. The weight of family members is even closer to home – they might be equated to bricks in a backpack that you’re also wearing. Whoever it is that made you a codependent is the one standing offshore yelling for you to hurry because you’re making them cold and uncomfortable while they wait for you.

Growing up, I had made up my mind that going it alone was most definitely the easier route. People were hard; They were needy and helpless and I was so tired of catering to all of it. I was also extremely independent and never learned to rely on anyone for anything. That was for weak people. But as I got older, I began longing for something that was missing, deep in my heart. I had gone from having no real relationships in high school or college, to being the people pleaser of the century in my twenties. At that time, I had decided that I wanted to have friends, but had no clue how to make it happen. So I got really good at small talking and worked the room at events. 

…..a flattering mouth works ruin. -Proverbs 26:28

I made up for lost time and planned every birthday party, bridal shower and event one could dream up. I was in weddings. I gave the best presents, showed the most love and always had the right words. I bent over backwards for anyone who needed it and invited strangers to our family gatherings. I believed with all my heart that this was what Christians are called to do. I would give, give, give and sacrifice at my own family’s expense; I delayed childbearing partly because I felt responsible for my younger siblings and frankly, because I was already exhausted. Everyone’s life and everyone else’s problems were my problems and while the weight was heavy, it didn’t hold a candle to the load I’d grown up carrying. So I juggled. I white lied. And I suffered through things I didn’t feel like doing all in the name of having friends. 

You could say I had a knack for finding neediness and filling in the gaps in others’ lives. The friends I attracted always had big problems and negative outlooks but this was what felt most familiar to me. If someone couldn’t figure out how to get insurance, I would call for them. If they needed someone to move them from one place to another, I was their girl. If they had conflict with someone else, I was there to smooth it over. If they were lonely or sad or angry, it was my role to fix it and I wore the emotions as though they were my own. But because of the one-sidedness to all of these relationships, even my most codependent tendencies didn’t have enough power to keep them going.  

A relationship would begin and the cycle was like clockwork. I would throw the weight of this person into my already heavy wheelbarrow, and continue on, knowing that there would be new expectations for me to meet. Some put on me, and some created by yours truly – both felt synonymous. It was only a matter of time before I’d do that last thing for someone- have that last one-sided, long conversation that I didn’t actually have time for, begrudgingly pick that person up in the middle of the night from a party or I’d still show up to the thing even though I was double booked for the evening. And then it would happen. My anger would get the best of me and I would blow the lid off the other person to their utter surprise and astonishment. The level of hostility that would pour out of me is embarrassing to admit…it was months and years in the making, completely unbeknownst to the other person. I knew that that level of a blowout would mean a burned bridge and the feeling had become so familiar that I was expert level at deleting people out of my life. Sometimes, the loss of toxic relationships from my life was healthy, but the good ones were inevitably caught in the crossfire. 

Age 34

I was sitting in my counselor, Kate’s, office when I first heard the word, “codependency.” In my mind, that word held a connotation involving the spouse of an alcoholic. I am not married to an alcoholic, nor was I raised by one so at first I didn’t understand. It was only after having read up on the subject that I see now why Kate gave me this label. “Codependent” is a term used to describe someone whose feelings are dependent upon other people. We all have times in our lives that we refer to in a “before” or “after” that happened sort of sense. That day as I sat on the cushy brown couch in Kate’s office was the first day of the rest of my life.

To know that my worth wasn’t measured by others or dependent upon my performance was almost too good to be true. Were there people out there who didn’t need me for anything but still wanted to be my friend? I realized for the first time that I am worthy to be loved because of whose I am, and that if I didn’t do another thing for another person for the rest of my life that wouldn’t change! The love of God creates the desire in us to love on others, of course. But it’s not a needy, hurried, obligatory sort of love. It’s love that is freeing; love that accepts and love that operates independent of anything we could possibly do to earn it.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. -2 Corinthians 3:17

Life After CD

I guess you could say I’m a recovered codependent; but to be honest, I still battle CD thoughts from time to time. Most often, it’s when I can’t read someone, or when they don’t respond. I’m programmed to believe that these are signals that I’ve done something terribly wrong that requires fixing. I’m programmed to think the worst. I have to be careful; if I’m not, and I let thoughts like these run rampant in my brain, I can easily talk myself out of wanting a relationship. It’s much quieter in my mind when I’m alone and the ease with which I can cut someone out of my life is astonishing. I don’t know how to rely on people because some of the people I was supposed to rely on most have not been helpful. As a result, my defense mechanism is to not let people in in the first place. I don’t initiate things because the duty of just responding to demands put on me has historically been heavy enough. It’s also difficult for me to share my life with others because I have a hard time believing that anyone wants to know who I am, without needing something from me. Many people think they know me, but they don’t.

As I’ve realized the extent to which my compass was off over the years, I’ve had to unlearn and relearn a lot. I’ve gotten good at having boundaries with other people as well. I’ve had to observe and mimic and practice and watch for things others learned along the way that I didn’t. I’ve had many falling outs. The damages have been extensive and the repair didn’t happen overnight. 

But for the first time in my life, I have margin (some might not believe this with the busy calendar I follow but when you’re accustomed to carrying other people’s burdens around, something just feels lighter – ha!). My marriage these days, as well as the friendships I do have are so very intentional, careful, and appreciated in ways I’m not sure I would’ve experienced otherwise. As I reflect back on everything, I also realize that there were so many desperate moments that drove me right into the arms of Jesus. So many times I didn’t think I was going to make it out alive, and praised him in the storm. If I was given the choice on whether to do it all again or not, I would because I believe it’s the reason I’m so close to Jesus. If that was what it took for me to rely on Him with all my heart and enjoy the closeness that I have with him, then it was all worth it. I’m not perfect and I can’t please everyone. But I CAN turn around now and reach out my hand to the ones who are still stuck. I want to tell them that it’s okay to break free; that they will live (even thrive, maybe!) with relationships ended, and boundaries in place. I want them to know that there are GOOD people out there who will love them for who they are and not what they have to offer. That it’s okay to trust. And that it’s okay to feel. The world won’t crumble if we feel, and even if it does, it’s not our job to save it. 

How to Recognize a Codependent in Your Life:

CDs are chameleons. They change their tune, color, beliefs, behaviors and opinions to match whoever they are with.

Because of their intense need for affirmation, you will always find a CD complimenting or doing favors (whether requested or not) for others. 

A codependent is quick to get angry with any sort of criticism – even constructive criticism, because in their minds, they’ve already been beating themselves up to a pulp all day. 

A codependent is not easily recognizable because they appear confident from the outside, and may even believe that they are confident. But at the true heart of a CD is insecurity in its truest form. The belief that in order to be loved, we must do. So we do, do, do and why doesn’t anyone seem to appreciate the effort we put in?? Codependents have two main frames of mind that they live in at any given time– giving generously, or being extremely angry. 

CD’s are dead set on the fact that they believe someone can “save” them from their suffering. If only their spouse, or their mother or their friend or the person at work would say “sorry,” thank them properly or recognize all of the hard work they’ve put in, then they’d be happy. In my case, if only my husband would get better at communication, plan surprise dates, and bring home more flowers….then I’d be happy. But no amount of what anyone else can do will ever make a CD happy. Why? Because when you draw your worth from the world around you, it will always leave you depleted. No human was made to satisfy the God shaped gap that we have in our hearts. And in the case of a CD, one that we’ve artificially learned to stuff with human affirmation over the years. 

Codependents often have substance abuse issues because they are attempting to numb the pain and pressure that they feel 100% of the time.

Codependents are created when someone close to them has taught them that the CD can and should manage the well-being of that other person. A CD’s worth in the world becomes defined by how happy they can make and keep the people around them, to a point where they are neglecting themselves in the process.

Codependents do not feel free to do what they want with their time and energy.

How to Kick Codependency:

In order to kick CD, you first have to recognize it. This was maybe the most freeing part of the process for me because I realized that my problem was an actual thing and while I may not have caused it, it was something I could work on. 

See a professional counselor about trauma from your past that has caused CD and ideas for coping going forward. Read books such as “Codependent, No More.” 

Talk to Jesus. Read the Bible. Get into a small group and attend a church where you will find authentic friendships and accountability.

Minimize all of the one-sided, manipulative, dramatic, negative relationships in your life. Pay attention to how you feel after you’ve hung out with someone- are you refreshed? Or drained?

Seek out healthy people and relationships. Be lonely for a while if that’s what it takes to make room for these people. Be okay with people who aren’t dealing with any “big” issues and don’t necessarily need you for anything.

Know with all of your heart, that you’re a child of God. You are worthy of affection, not because of what you do or who affirms it, but because of who and whose you are.

fear

/ˈfir/

noun

• 1.an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, or likely to cause pain.

I’ll never forget the first time someone asked me, “did you know that we are NOT supposed to worry?” What on earth did this crazy person even mean by this question, I thought. Surely they weren’t successful in life. Worrying had always provided me with the strength to get ahead of the situation, to think through the problem, to ponder how to prevent it, and it made me feel like I was being careful instead of reckless. Outwardly, I was successful at everything I did; but I had to admit that inwardly, I was a wreck. Wasn’t everyone? For a brief moment, I paused. What if fear and worrying weren’t how God had intended my mind to spend its day? Was it even possible not to worry? I decided to give it a shot. 

The first step in preventing worry was to realize when and how often I was obliging. Every single day, every single hour, almost every single minute. It was no wonder I was miserable. At first, I would realize when the onset of negative thoughts was occurring but couldn’t seem to do anything about it. I knew that “we must take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.” But how? So that’s where I started – I said that verse out loud more times than I can count. Every time a bad thought crept in, I said it. And there I was, beginning to find a few extra moments in each hour with which to breathe. And then I received a few hours back into each day. And then, days and weeks and months appeared, without worrying.

It had to be a consistent and conscious surrender on my part, while also maintaining the realization that worrying is based on pride. I knew that pride is not pleasing to God. Pride is us telling God that we’re good without His input; that we’ve got this. Fear is us not trusting Him; And worry is us telling Him that we think there could have been a better way of doing it. That He has somehow disappointed us and gotten it wrong. Surely He missed something or this problem that we are worried about wouldn’t exist. We do live in a fallen world, which guarantees problems..even for the Christian – especially for the vivacious Christian. But we also have another guarantee – “In this world you will have problems. But take heart. For I have conquered the world.” If Jesus has conquered the world, it means He’s already seen and touched every problem that finds its way into my life. I might not understand it, but He does. I am promised that He will use the problems for my good, to make me stronger, to build my character and to ultimately lead me to more maturity and peace in this life….if only I’m able to trust Him. Not scramble to take measures into my own hands (which I am oh, so capable of doing). Sadly, my type A friends and I could likely handle the situation very well. We might gain grey hairs and have sleepless nights, but we’ve always managed, right? We will worry about ourselves, thank you, and handle problems like no one else seems to be able to. Yes, I could live that way for my whole life and even be successful, and then die. But my, would I be missing out! This worry free life is something I’ve now tasted, and let me tell you – allowing God to lead is the only way to live life with peace. There is no other way. I am a recovering worrier, people-pleaser, control freak, task manager, event planner, take matters into-my-own-hands person, and I’m here to proclaim that there IS such a thing as worry free living. Not pain free. Worry free. The difference is that I trust that whatever pain I’m handed has purpose. 

Another obstacle to conquer if we are to eradicate fear and worrying altogether, is to recognize them for what they are in the first place. Think about the decisions we all make on a daily basis. Are we attending the event out of fear of missing out, or are we attending out of love? Are we exercising for fear of gaining weight or are we loving on our bodies? Are we being overly protective of our children out of fear over what might happen, or are we lovingly raising them while simultaneously enjoying every moment of their little lives as we were designed, to? Are we attending church to stay out of hell or to experience a little bit of heaven? Are we fearful of the corona virus? Or are we remembering that for a follower of Jesus, the worst case scenario is spending eternity in heaven with Him?

If you believe that there is a God who loves you and gently beckons you to trust Him and get to know Him in this life, then I hope you also believe that satan is very real, enticing you to fear, to doubt, to worry and to isolate. His biggest victory is that people don’t believe he exists. He certainly believes you exist, and he knows exactly what scares you the most. His only goal is to intimidate you into a life based on fear instead of love. The pain we are experiencing here on earth is short lived, and he knows that if we begin to realize that, then Christ followers and the church will be unstoppable. 

Fear is living “safely” because we believe we can and should prevent pain. Fear blames differences for division. Fear isolates. Fear lies. Fear causes more pain, and anger and frustration. Fear barks at our leaders who are standing in the trenches, and points fingers. Fear is exhausting. If faith is the foundation upon which we are called to build our lives, then fear is the wrecking ball out to destroy it. The opposite of love isn’t hatred; it’s fear. 

So go ahead and do all of the things. Take precautions; wear a mask. Be smart. But above all else, do not allow your mind to be consumed by fear, doubt and worrying. “For who of you by worrying, can add a single minute to your life?” “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ.” 

Perfect love drives out all fear.

References:

2 Corinthians 10:5

James 4:6

James 1:2-4

John 16:33

Romans 8:28

Luke 12:25

Phillippians 4:6-7

1 John 4:18

1 Peter 5:8

A few weeks ago, my sister-in-law told me that she was giving up social media for Lent. What a fabulous idea, I thought, and quickly committed to doing the same. While the silence from the scroll was 90% easy, there was still that 10% of the time where I genuinely missed supporting others, or posting an occasional photo that was sure to bring a laugh or a smile to the faces of friends and family. Overall, giving up the time on the phone was a good decision –it provided me with the ability to be more present, put hours back into my day and was a challenge that I could certainly handle. So I stuck with it.

A few days later, our country went into lockdown due to the quickly spreading corona virus. My husband and I made the decision to fully comply, which meant giving up our playdates, errands, gym, activities, school and any babysitter help (not that any of this was an option once the states officially closed down). Now THIS was something new. The selfish overachiever in me had always pushed myself to accomplish more…do more…be more to more people…I had the babysitter help so it was only fitting to take on more, right? But without all of the distractions, to-do lists and the paper calendar I’d often found myself glued to, I was sure to lose my mind. I believed with all my heart that these things were what had been “holding me together” during the baby and toddler “jail time,” as so many others had referred to this season of my life. I believed I was weird and wired differently than everyone else…that I somehow needed these things in my life in order to thrive and survive as a Mom.